Happy Kitty

Jasper is eating much better now he has had time to realise he is king of this house. He is savouring his food and no longer gets edgy looking for his bully of a brother. He has really come out of his shell and seems much happier than I've ever seen him. He is enjoying the new environment outside and has made some new friends and enemies in the local cat community which is thriving where we live. It is so great to see him so happy and chirpy. I've missed him being like this.

It's things like this that make life worth living.





09/04/2013

Depression Questionnaire (PHQ9):
Your Depression Score is 19/27

Anxiety Questionnaire (GAD7):
Your Anxiety Score is 18/21

Bullying: Pets And Family

Jasper seems to be settling in well in his new home. He doesn't seem to be missing his brother at all, or the dogs or anyone else. In fact he seems to be enjoying the freedom he has to do whatever he wants without anyone or anything stopping him.

It seems at our last home his brother was bullying him as I had suspected. When he is eating he has been getting edgy thinking his brother is going to come and push him out the way and steal his food. Hopefully in time he'll settle down and realise no one is going to take his food or toys or anything off him.

My parents have shown their disapproval of my moving out. They bought a house and rented it to me and my sister. I didn't ask them to and I was lead to believe it would be a more beneficial situation than I was in at the time. You don't expect your own family to give you bad advice so I was happy to move believing it would be a step in the right direction for my life and my health. It was for the first year but then after a few disagreements and constant meddling it got too much.

I got fed up of the way I was being treated by them, the dogs, my sister and the numerous others that constantly roamed the house. It never really felt like it was my home. I was made to feel like I was staying in someone's house. Being on benefits meant that my parents expected me to clean up after everyone in the house including 2 dogs that loved to pee and poop wherever they chose to. My room was so cramped I could barely walk around it for lack of space due to everything I had brought from my previous home. There was also the constant threat from my dad that I would have to move my stuff that I had downstairs in the communal areas and find an alternative place for it (in other words my already overflowing room or the bin).  I should have stayed put in the flat I was in before this. At least there I had space to move, privacy and control over who was coming and going. So I got in touch with the council and applied for social housing. It happened so fast and I think the fact that the council were disgusted when I told them my parents expected me to clean up after everyone else went in my favour as well as my health problems.

I moved out whilst my mum and sister where on holiday and my dad was doing work somewhere. I couldn't get in touch with any of them easily so couldn't inform them. They seemed rather unhappy with this yet I had already discussed it a few weeks earlier with my mum so it's not like they didn't know what was going to happen.

I was going to visit them when they got back from their holiday, on my dad's birthday. A few days before I was to go and see them I received a text from my sister that was completely uncalled for and irrelevant. It allowed me to see the mood that they would be in and what would no doubt happen if I was to go and see them. At my age I'm not going to go down to see my parents only to be shouted at and treated like a child which from past experience I know would have happened. My family don't seem to be able to talk things through they just shout a lot and nothing gets sorted.

It seems however that they aren't so much bothered about me or the fact I moved out instead they are more fixated on the council tax palaver they have gotten themselves messed up with. They got me messed up in it by asking me to try and straighten things out with the council. I tried the best I could but I couldn't do anything to fix the problem as it was my parents mistakes that lead the council to take the action they have done. Now I'm being bullied by my parents over something that is out of my control.

So much for the new stress free beginning in my new home.






09/04/2013

Depression Questionnaire (PHQ9):
Your Depression Score is 27/27

Anxiety Questionnaire (GAD7):
Your Anxiety Score is 21/21

A New Beginning?

Today I officially move into my new home. It all happened so quickly. I didn't expect to be offered a new home so soon after signing up. Today I get to hopefully have a new beginning.

Gone is the foul smell of dog pee and poop, gone is the mould that was plaguing the bedroom wall, gone is the constant blame for things that others had done, gone is the lack of privacy and the feeling of not belonging. I give a huge welcome to peace and time to deal with my illness at my own pace without family trying to force me into things I'm not mentally or physically ready for. I can live without fear of my belongings being destroying by dogs and their fouling whilst their owner just laughs. I can enjoy living in my own space without anxiety of not knowing who or what is coming and going at all hours of the day and night. Never again will I make the mistake of a house share situation with family who don't give a damn about anyone but themselves and people I don't know. It was the worst time I've had in my life and any progress I had made with my illnesses was eradicated.

Hopefully going forward life will be worth living.





13/05/2013

Depression Questionnaire (PHQ9):
Your Depression Score is 20/27

Anxiety Questionnaire (GAD7):
Your Anxiety Score is 18/21

Assessment Done... Now To The Waiting

It's over and done for now. Now I Just have to wait on their decision which will be just as bad as the stress of the assessment. I can't wait for it to be over and done with. If it wasn't for the lack of empathy from my family I might have been able to cope better.





17/04/2013

Depression Questionnaire (PHQ9):
Your Depression Score is 27/27

Anxiety Questionnaire (GAD7):
Your Anxiety Score is 21/21

Support or Not?

Tomorrow is causing me no end of stress, anxiety and agitation and it's really getting me down just thinking about it. With all of the bad publicity that ATOS has had over the past 5 years or more I'm dreading attending the assessment. My GP doesn't think I'm in the right mental state to be working at present and neither does my therapist nor my counsellor and with the amount of time I have to spend in different sessions trying to get control over my mental health I don't have time to work at the same time and doubt any employer would permit me time out every few days to attend these sessions. I look forward to the day I can be back amongst others who are employed but at present my mental illnesses don't make that a viable prospect. 

I'm so tense and agitated I haven't been able to sleep much at all. I just want supporting until I recover and am able to have some sort of normality back in my life which has been the goal for at least 5 years but is still such a long way off. I have made significant ground since I first started suffering but there is still a long way until the end unless an alternative ending occurs in the mean time and I often get so stressed and depressed that I think of creating my own ending (and have attempted a few times in the past few months alone - which I'm not proud of). I just hope that I am assessed properly so I can continue to make my way towards overcoming or at least managing my mental health.




16/04/2013

Depression Questionnaire (PHQ9):
Your Depression Score is 27/27

Anxiety Questionnaire (GAD7):
Your Anxiety Score is 21/21

DWP, Ingeus, ATOS and Incompetance

After a week, lasting just 92 days, I finally get a new Ingeus appointment yet I still have no control of my life as it has been placed in the hands of people who are continually showing, despite them claiming the opposite, that they honestly don't care about me or my health problems. The only problem is on the same day I already have a hospital appointment to attend that I've been waiting seemingly forever for. It looks like I'll be waiting another "week" when I have to reschedule this new Ingeus appointment.

I also have to attend an ATOS assessment next Wednesday which has sent my already high levels of depression, anxiety, stress, and agitation through the roof whilst causing my mental state to crumble even further especially with all the publicity ATOS have had over their incompetence and their immoral view on people who are ill and disabled. 

It seems that whilst I'm suffering with my mental health problems I'm at the mercy of the DWP and the companies of incompetence, no compassion and no common sense that they choose to use to abuse the vulnerable.




09/04/2013

Depression Questionnaire (PHQ9):
Your Depression Score is 27/27

Anxiety Questionnaire (GAD7):
Your Anxiety Score is 21/21

Sleepy Sylvester

02/04/2013

Depression Questionnaire (PHQ9):
Your Depression Score is 21/27

Anxiety Questionnaire (GAD7):
Your Anxiety Score is 19/21

Baking Release

It's now 78 days and still seems that to Ingeus it is not long enough to be classed as a week. I'll be surprised if by the time I get my new appointment from them that it doesn't clash with something more important.

Since I am constantly on edge with anxiety and endlessly depressed, feeling that I have no control of any part of my life, I decided to try and use baking as a distraction technique. It worked albeit only temporarily. It was fun, relaxing and mildly therapeutic but not something I can afford to do all the time on my current budget. It makes a change from using cutting as a release.

Hopefully, I can soon get some more counselling and behavioural help if the DWP permits me.



26/03/2013

Depression Questionnaire (PHQ9):
Your Depression Score is 24/27

Anxiety Questionnaire (GAD7):
Your Anxiety Score is 21/21

71 Days and Counting... That's A Long Week!

Still waiting for a new appointment from Ingeus to replace the one I had to cancel in January due to atrocious weather conditions. 

"I'll send a new appointment out in the next week" was what I was told on 7th January 2013, it's now 19th March 2013. A week seems to last longer than 7 days when you are a company employed by the DWP it would seem (71 days so far). If this isn't further proof that I'm being messed about by them I don't know what is.

The whole thing is just making my mental state worse because I don't know what is going on with anything. I seem to spend my life waiting on people. I never know what is going on any more yet they want me to get better and back into work. How exactly is making my health worse going to achieve that?



19/03/2013

Depression Questionnaire (PHQ9):
Your Depression Score is 27/27

Anxiety Questionnaire (GAD7):
Your Anxiety Score is 21/21

Fallout

12/03/2013

Depression Questionnaire (PHQ9):
Your Depression Score is 22/27

Anxiety Questionnaire (GAD7):
Your Anxiety Score is 19/21

Close Encounter

05/03/2013

Depression Questionnaire (PHQ9):
Your Depression Score is 20/27

Anxiety Questionnaire (GAD7):
Your Anxiety Score is 19/21

Viruses Going, ATOS Anxiety Rising

The laryngitis seems to be subsiding hopefully I'll get my hearing back and get rid of the effects of these darn viruses. 

Jasper had a huge lump on his head that looked like a boil or something similar and then it popped in a mass of blood. He seems fine and after it was cleaned up it has been healing well.

I hate the ATOS assessment forms. They know what's wrong with me but seem to need to know again every so often. I'm doing everything I can to get myself back to health and back to work but it will take time. I'm supposed to be getting help from Ingeus too yet they are always messing me about. Switching me from person to person without any real reason and without providing any actual help. It seems pointless.



26/02/2013

Depression Questionnaire (PHQ9):
Your Depression Score is 27/27

Anxiety Questionnaire (GAD7):
Your Anxiety Score is 21/21

Laryngitis

The tonsillitis has gone and been replaced with laryngitis. Darn illnesses won't leave me alone at the minute. Hopefully I'll soon be well enough to go and get my dental work done that's had to be put off since last year. 
Hopefully my sister is having fun on holiday in Spain and hasn't taken any illness with her.



19/02/2013

Depression Questionnaire (PHQ9):
Your Depression Score is 27/27

Anxiety Questionnaire (GAD7):
Your Anxiety Score is 21/21

Tonsillitis

Had a blood test yesterday and I'm now increasingly getting more ill. 
Tonsillitis isn't very nice and the cough is ridiculously painful. 
Hopefully it'll pass soon.



12/02/2013

Depression Questionnaire (PHQ9):
Your Depression Score is 27/27

Anxiety Questionnaire (GAD7):
Your Anxiety Score is 21/21

Sylvester Amongst The Owls

05/02/2013

Depression Questionnaire (PHQ9):
Your Depression Score is 21/27

Anxiety Questionnaire (GAD7):
Your Anxiety Score is 21/21

Delta Machine

It seems such a long time since I have been able to look to the future and see something worth living for yet for the first time in months I actually have something to look forward to. 

Depeche Mode have a new album "Delta Machine" out this year and I can't wait to hear it. Their music is one of the few things I have found to be able to calm and distract me when I'm really down and agitated. It's an escape that let's me forget the my life and immerse myself in a world of electronic masterpieces.

My life may stay the stressful, anxiety ridden, manic depressive mess it is now but at least there will soon be a new soundtrack in which I can escape to "Heaven" before calling in the "Delta Machine".

29/01/2013

Depression Questionnaire (PHQ9):
Your Depression Score is 22/27

Anxiety Questionnaire (GAD7):
Your Anxiety Score is 21/21

Drained

The past few days have been a real pain in the ass. I have spent a huge amount of time barely able to keep myself awake. I have been completely drained. I haven't even been able to keep my eyes open at times as they hurt too much and my eyeballs have been red. At times i haven't had the energy to move and I lost my appetite. I haven't felt this agitated, angry and down for more than 3 years and I'm not sure what the cause is. 

I can't stand my unpredictable flicking between moods at the best of times but the past week has been ridiculous. In the past week I've had more mood changes than I've had meals and the bad moods have been overly violent and aggressive. 

I just hope that i can get some sort of normality back to my life and less mood changes over the coming week or so.




26/01/2013

Depression Questionnaire (PHQ9):
Your Depression Score is 27/27

Anxiety Questionnaire (GAD7):
Your Anxiety Score is 21/21

2013: Year of Incompetence?

So far 2013 is proving to be a year of incompetence. First there was the HMV staff in Birkenhead, next is Parcelforce.

Placing an order online and finding it's getting delivered by Parcelforce should be reassuring yet for me it isn't anymore. I was out at 2pm on 16th of January so was unable to accept a delivery  Normally if this happens I expect to return home to a card telling me that a delivery was attempted and that I can get it redelivered or pick it up from somewhere. Nope. I returned home to find nothing. 

The next day I again received no parcel so I decided to check with the Stateside Candy Co. who I had placed the order with. My parcel had been sent by Parcelforce's 48 hour express delivery so I should have received it on the 16th whilst I was out. Had I not checked I wouldn't have been aware that there had been a missed delivery as the driver didn't post a card through the door as he was supposed to do. A week on and I am forced to have to pick up my parcel from the central post office (despite being told it was in my local post office which is literally 5 minutes away). Contacting Parcelforce doesn't get you any help. They just fob you off with gibberish and they don't care that you haven't been properly informed about the parcel or given a card that you need to take in order to collect it. Instead I have to hope they will accept a utility bill  as proof that the parcel is mine. This farce is stress and agitation that I do not need and could have been avoided had Parcelforce done their job properly. A week on I can only hope that I am able to retrieve my parcel.

I was supposed to attend another session at Ingeus today but I cancelled it due to the bad weather. It's a stress off me for now but I know I'm just delaying it.



22/01/2013

Depression Questionnaire (PHQ9):
Your Depression Score is 27/27

Anxiety Questionnaire (GAD7):
Your Anxiety Score is 21/21

Coincidence?

Last week I got made to feel like a thief by HMV because they had made mistakes with their pricing of stock but wouldn't admit to it this week it seems they have gone into administration. Coincidence?

I can't say I am surprised after the experience I had last week. It will be a shame if the store goes but if all of the staff are as rude and idiotic as those in the Birkenhead store then they only have themselves to blame.

On another topic, I have to attend another session at Ingeus next Tuesday and I'm not looking forward to it at all. I've been visiting them for about 9 months and have still yet to have any idea what I'm there for. I'm supposed to have an advisor but so far I'm on my third one despite still not knowing what I'm going there for or what I am expected to achieve  All I know is that so far I just get ridiculously stressed out everytime I go there and leave knowing nothing more than when I arrived.



15/01/2013

Depression Questionnaire (PHQ9):
Your Depression Score is 24/27

Anxiety Questionnaire (GAD7):
Your Anxiety Score is 21/21

HMV Agitation

First week of the new year and already been made to feel like a thief. 

I received a HMV gift card for Christmas and thought I'd visit the Birkenhead branch and see if there was anything I wanted. I looked around and found Paloma Faith's Fall To Grace and Apocalyptica's 7th Symphony [CD+DVD edition] stickered with 2 for £10. I thought to myself this is a nice bargain so I picked up a copy of each and took them to the checkout. The tallish slim guy with glasses at the checkout scanned them through and they both went up as 2 for £10. He then looked at the Paloma Faith CD and said this shouldn't be in this offer and started to struggle for a few moments to pick off the sticker which was firmly on. He then asked me to wait whilst he spoke to the manager, an average sized man with rather to much hair spray in his hair as it didn't move at all when he moved. The two men came over and the manager started saying that kids must have swapped stickers off another CD onto the Paloma Faith CD as the sticker peels off easily. He ignored the fact that I told him that the checkout guy had struggled to peel the sticker before he took it to him and also failed to explain why the CD scanned through as being 2 for £10. Instead he spoke to me as though I had done something wrong and then walked away to an oldish staff member with a grey beard and ponytail and glasses and they both proceeded to point and laugh as I walked out of the store empty handed. I returned home feeling rather agitated and stressed and let down by a store that I have always had respect for. No more do I have any respect for HMV or it's staff at the Birkenhead store.

I attended a session at Ingeus today after receiving a text yesterday asking me to turn up 30 minutes later than my scheduled appointment only to find that my adviser wasn't there at all as he was ill. A wasted journey as all that happened was I was given a new appointment and then went home.

A completely wasted and unproductive day. Let's hope this isn't a sign of how the rest of 2013 is going to be.



08/01/2013

Depression Questionnaire (PHQ9):
Your Depression Score is 27/27

Anxiety Questionnaire (GAD7):
Your Anxiety Score is 21/21

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year!

Hopefully the year ahead will prove to be much better than the one we've just left behind.

As one year transforms into the the next I can only hope that things will start to improve. 

2012 was not a very good year for me physically, mentally, financially or emotionally.

2013 will hopefully see an improvement. Hopefully I can make the changes needed and continue getting the help I need to start to get my life back.


01/01/2013

Depression Questionnaire (PHQ9):
Your Depression Score is 27/27

Anxiety Questionnaire (GAD7):
Your Anxiety Score is 21/21