Wednesday, 15 January 2014

Life Is Just Manipulative Hokum

I haven't posted anything on my blog for a while. I haven't been mentally or emotionally up to it or anything else for that matter. 

Events of the past few years have lead to me coming to a stark realisation that my whole life up to 2013 has been a whole mass of messed up lies and manipulation. This has resulted in me entering the darkest and lowest phase of my life to date. 

Attempted suicides and self-injury have played a huge part in my life and has been much more intense over the past few months. Nothing seems to help. Being referred for help from the local mental health service, Inclusion Matters, is all well and good but when the person who is meant to deal with my area is never available then my referrals are just stopped in their tracks.

I have no idea how I'm supposed to move forward from this. Those that are paid to help seem unwilling to do so and there are less and less people I can trust let alone look to for help. Everything I thought and was taught was right and true was all just manipulative hokum devised by those who I was lead to believe loved and cared about me. 

I feel trapped, lost, abandoned and alone. Ending things seems the best option unless another unlikely solution rears it's head.





15/01/2013

Depression Questionnaire (PHQ9):
Your Depression Score is 27/27

Anxiety Questionnaire (GAD7):
Your Anxiety Score is 21/21

Saturday, 8 June 2013

Happy Kitty

Jasper is eating much better now he has had time to realise he is king of this house. He is savouring his food and no longer gets edgy looking for his bully of a brother. He has really come out of his shell and seems much happier than I've ever seen him. He is enjoying the new environment outside and has made some new friends and enemies in the local cat community which is thriving where we live. It is so great to see him so happy and chirpy. I've missed him being like this.

It's things like this that make life worth living.





09/04/2013

Depression Questionnaire (PHQ9):
Your Depression Score is 19/27

Anxiety Questionnaire (GAD7):
Your Anxiety Score is 18/21

Wednesday, 22 May 2013

Bullying: Pets And Family

Jasper seems to be settling in well in his new home. He doesn't seem to be missing his brother at all, or the dogs or anyone else. In fact he seems to be enjoying the freedom he has to do whatever he wants without anyone or anything stopping him.

It seems at our last home his brother was bullying him as I had suspected. When he is eating he has been getting edgy thinking his brother is going to come and push him out the way and steal his food. Hopefully in time he'll settle down and realise no one is going to take his food or toys or anything off him.

My parents have shown their disapproval of my moving out. They bought a house and rented it to me and my sister. I got fed up of the way I was being treated by both them, the dogs, my sister and the numerous others that constantly roamed the house. So I got in touch with the council and applied for social housing. I moved out whilst my mum and sister where on holiday and my dad was doing work somewhere. I couldn't get in touch with any of them easily so couldn't inform them. They seemed rather unhappy with this yet I had already discussed it a few weeks earlier with my mum so it's not like they didn't know what was going to happen.

I was going to visit them when they got back from their holiday, on my dad's birthday. A few days before I was to go and see them I received a text from my sister that was completely uncalled for and irrelevant. It allowed me to see the mood that they would be in and what would no doubt happen if I was to go and see them. At my age I'm not going to go down to see my parents only to be shouted at and treated like a child which from past experience I know would have happened. My family don't seem to be able to talk things through they just shout a lot and nothing gets sorted.

It seems however that they aren't so much bothered about me or the fact I moved out instead they are more fixated on the council tax palaver they have gotten themselves messed up with. They got me messed up in it by asking me to try and straighten things out with the council. I tried the best I could but I couldn't do anything to fix the problem as it was my parents mistakes that lead the council to take the action they have done. Now I'm being bullied by my parents over something that is out of my control.

So much for the new stress free beginning in my new home.






09/04/2013

Depression Questionnaire (PHQ9):
Your Depression Score is 27/27

Anxiety Questionnaire (GAD7):
Your Anxiety Score is 21/21

Monday, 13 May 2013

A New Beginning?

Today I officially move into my new home. It all happened so quickly. I didn't expect to be offered a new home so soon after signing up. Today I get to hopefully have a new beginning.

Gone is the foul smell of dog pee and poop, gone is the mould that was plaguing the bedroom wall, gone is the constant blame for things that others had done, gone is the lack of privacy and the feeling of not belonging. I give a huge welcome to peace and time to deal with my illness at my own pace without family trying to force me into things I'm not mentally or physically ready for. I can live without fear of my belongings being destroying by dogs and their fouling whilst their owner just laughs. I can enjoy living in my own space without anxiety of not knowing who or what is coming and going at all hours of the day and night. Never again will I make the mistake of a house share situation with family who don't give a damn about anyone but themselves and people I don't know. It was the worst time I've had in my life and any progress I had made with my illnesses was eradicated.

Hopefully going forward life will be worth living.





13/05/2013

Depression Questionnaire (PHQ9):
Your Depression Score is 20/27

Anxiety Questionnaire (GAD7):
Your Anxiety Score is 18/21

Wednesday, 17 April 2013

Assessment Done... Now To The Waiting

It's over and done for now. Now I Just have to wait on their decision which will be just as bad as the stress of the assessment. I can't wait for it to be over and done with. If it wasn't for the lack of empathy from my family I might have been able to cope better.





17/04/2013

Depression Questionnaire (PHQ9):
Your Depression Score is 27/27

Anxiety Questionnaire (GAD7):
Your Anxiety Score is 21/21

Tuesday, 16 April 2013

Support or Not?

Tomorrow is causing me no end of stress, anxiety and agitation and it's really getting me down just thinking about it. With all of the bad publicity that ATOS has had over the past 5 years or more I'm dreading attending the assessment. My GP doesn't think I'm in the right mental state to be working at present and neither does my therapist nor my counsellor and with the amount of time I have to spend in different sessions trying to get control over my mental health I don't have time to work at the same time and doubt any employer would permit me time out every few days to attend these sessions. I look forward to the day I can be back amongst others who are employed but at present my mental illnesses don't make that a viable prospect. 

I'm so tense and agitated I haven't been able to sleep much at all. I just want supporting until I recover and am able to have some sort of normality back in my life which has been the goal for at least 5 years but is still such a long way off. I have made significant ground since I first started suffering but there is still a long way until the end unless an alternative ending occurs in the mean time and I often get so stressed and depressed that I think of creating my own ending (and have attempted a few times in the past few months alone - which I'm not proud of). I just hope that I am assessed properly so I can continue to make my way towards overcoming or at least managing my mental health.




16/04/2013

Depression Questionnaire (PHQ9):
Your Depression Score is 27/27

Anxiety Questionnaire (GAD7):
Your Anxiety Score is 21/21

Tuesday, 9 April 2013

DWP, Ingeus, ATOS and Incompetance

After a week, lasting just 92 days, I finally get a new Ingeus appointment yet I still have no control of my life as it has been placed in the hands of people who are continually showing, despite them claiming the opposite, that they honestly don't care about me or my health problems. The only problem is on the same day I already have a hospital appointment to attend that I've been waiting seemingly forever for. It looks like I'll be waiting another "week" when I have to reschedule this new Ingeus appointment.

I also have to attend an ATOS assessment next Wednesday which has sent my already high levels of depression, anxiety, stress, and agitation through the roof whilst causing my mental state to crumble even further especially with all the publicity ATOS have had over their incompetence and their immoral view on people who are ill and disabled. 

It seems that whilst I'm suffering with my mental health problems I'm at the mercy of the DWP and the companies of incompetence, no compassion and no common sense that they choose to use to abuse the vulnerable.




09/04/2013

Depression Questionnaire (PHQ9):
Your Depression Score is 27/27

Anxiety Questionnaire (GAD7):
Your Anxiety Score is 21/21